Good evening and welcome to the Daily Show, my name is Jon Stewart.
We begin our show a bit late, we usually start this thing up on Friday night, but I’ve been a bit pre-occupied lately with a new exercise program I recently started in hopes of maybe… getting in shape… You know, I’m told the camera adds 10 pounds, and it now appears that that they’ve added several cameras – all the time, especially when I’m naked… those pictures better not show up on the YouTube. Recently my wife made the observation that my pants size and my age were almost identical… I, unwisely, came back with that maybe her dress size shouldn’t be almost twice her shoe size.
When I came to, it was dark and I had missed dinner… Apparently, I’ve begun dieting as well.
But I’ve actually enjoyed the exercising. I’ve done some weights, again encountering numbers matching my age… I have a surprising lack of upper body strength. I also find I enjoy the stationary bike… I keep trying to come up with things to do while I’m on the bike to pass the time. For instance, I know I can listen to my iPod, and watching television is a no-brainer. There’s a drink holder, and if I pedal slowly, I can manage that without dribbling like a 2 year old… but I’m not sure about something like… eating. Then again, that might be counterproductive if I attempt to down a box of Twinkies or Ho-Ho’s – which, by the way is my all time favorite name for a snack cake – while I’m trying to… exercise.
And of course, the most important lesson I’ve learned is that if I don’t hold on while I am on the treadmill, I will fall off.
Maybe my interest in fitness was inspired by the recent events of the Olympics, which just ended in China, with absolutely no controversy whatsoever! My mind can’t seem to understand that, try as I might, I’ll never have the physique of a 16 year old Chinese gymnast.
Now, of course, the majesty and triumph of the Olympic Games have ended, and were replaced by… the circus which is better known as the Democratic National Convention. Of course, we didn’t need to watch the entire three rings... we caught the podcast recap as presented by those two ever so capable, and might I add… sexy… reporters over at CNN, Anderson Cooper and Wolf Blitzer… the dynamic duo of political reporting, Anderson – the ever-engaging boy wonder to Wolf’s Batman persona.
And what a nail biter it turned out to be! I’ve never watched soap operas, but I imagine they’d be something like this… We had Dynasty as represented by the Clintons. JR Ewing in the form of Teddy Kennedy, and excuse me for being a bit callus, but what is it about brain cancer that transforms him from the buffoon of the party to its most revered member?
And now the Republicans take their turn, and much like the month of March, they blew into town like a lion. Oh wait, I’m sorry, that was hurricane Gustav that tried to steal a bit of the spotlight, giving the ever-humble republicans the opportunity to show America that they can be… well… sensitive in the face of approaching catastrophe. Why, President Bush had to go all the way to… Texas to get a ring-side seat for the event.
Who said the GOP doesn’t have any heart? It just happens to be cold, black and lifeless…
And now they’ve stirred up a storm of their own, by naming as their candidate for vice-president… A WOMAN!!!
Seriously!
I mean, who knew there actually were WOMEN in the republican parties, except for the wives, who stand next to their husbands during the press conferences when they try to explain their way out of airport bathroom stall gay sex…
Now with both slates selected we are poised to make history this November no matter what jackass gets elected. You can either jump on the Geritol/PMS wagon, or vote for the guy with the funny name – you know the guy Barack Obama picked as his running mate – Joe Bidden.
Of course, if McCain wins the election, at some point this country will have a woman president for at least a few hours. I mean at McCain’s age at some time in the next few years he’s going to need a colonoscopy, isn’t he?
Excuse me, Jon? I hate to bother you when you obsessing about John McCain’s colon, but I really need to ask you about this exercising bullshit.
Lewis? We’re not up to you yet, I’m still opening the show.
Yeah, yeah, very nice try at that Jon, I’d give you a “E” for effort, but that’s a stupid thing to say. Instead I’ll give you an “A” for annoying me.
Ok, Lewis, you’ve obviously got something on your mind, as usual I might add… go ahead…
Jon are you fucking kidding me? You’re exercising? On treadmills and stationary bicycles?
Yes Lew, I’m trying to stay in shape, be healthy, maybe live to see my kids graduate… kindergarten.
You know, I always found exercising a complete waste of time and energy. And what the fuck is with jogging? Where the hell are they running to so fast? I’ll tell you where Jon. NOWHERE!! That’s right there going fucking NOWHERE. Now you want to take the actual destination out of the equation and simply run in place? You know what I want to do Jon? I want to dangle a cheeseburger in front of you sweaty little face as you run your heart out on that treadmill and watch you try and catch it. So maybe you’ll live another five or six years longer than me, but you know what? Those are the nursing home years Jon, and you are fucking welcome to them buddy. Me, I’m keeping up with my diet of smokes and scotch. I may die sooner than you, but I’ll be happier. I’m outta here – there’s a ruben with my name on it at Katz’s deli… I’m sorry Jon, but you are a putz. A sweaty, exercising, putz.
Thanks Lew… I feel so much… better about myself now… We’ll be right back, after I stop sobbing into my low-fat diet drink here…
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